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 Post subject: Sunflower
PostPosted: Sunday, March 06th, 2011 - 20:19:19 
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Okay, second try posting this. This is not complete or even polished, in my opinion. Just thought I'd share what I'd done so far, though. There's an equal amount of TTA and A! characters, but I put it here because this is probably going to end up on the Animaniacs section of ff.net.

I'm mainly concerned with characterization and clarity. And Fifi's accent. Too much, too little? I generally don't like typing out accents (I never do Scratchansniff's, for example), so I'm not very well-versed, but I though it might be a little necessary. Is it?

Here we are:

Spoiler:
Considering it’s probably the end of the world, Yakko thinks he’s doing a good job. An extremely good job. In fact, Yakko thinks he may be doing better than any of the other toons. And definitely any humans, but they’re another story.

But maybe it just seems that way by comparison. He doesn’t start crying every ten minutes - or what seems like it - like Wakko. If fact, he doesn’t remember crying once since this whole thing started. He doesn’t have daily panic attacks like Plucky. There’s no time for that.

He’s the one who made the friends who helped him find an abandoned apartment building. Well, mostly abandoned. The human soldiers have a small food reserve in the basement of the place, and hardly guard it. After all, they don’t think anyone knows about it, apparently. Yakko, of course, is the one who treks down there to steal, the one who risks getting caught and thrown out in the rain to be Swiss-cheesed while Wakko and Plucky sit around crying and having panic attacks, safe in their room. Yes, Yakko is doing so well, in fact, that he is able to help useless people who would have probably otherwise died a while ago.

In times of trail, though, Yakko has to remind himself that, in addition to the simple fact that he’s his little brother, Wakko’s crying has saved his life. He’s not quite positive why Plucky gets to hang around, considering all the other would-be companions he’s always managed to keep within arm’s reach of his tight little trio. Maybe he just thinks Plucky might get crazy enough to kill if push comes to shove.

It’s a silly thought that he often laughs away. Hah. Plucky. Killing people. He was just as good at that as Yakko and Wakko, and they probably couldn’t even end a suffering fly’s misery.

But that’s probably what has saved them so far. They’re all extremely harmless toons who have managed to get by, and who wouldn’t dare pit themselves against the more volatile sorts that make up the majority of the surviving toon community. The dogs and the humans see no fight in their eyes, no meat on their bones, and leave them alone, too. They aren’t worth the energy.

Maybe that’s why. Everyone else is worth the energy. Everyone else is dangerous. People who carrying around guns and take turns at night guarding wherever they’re holed up in. Toons who sit on high vantage points all day and snipe humans like you’d snipe game in a forest (and those that justify it, saying they‘re hardly humans anymore, anyway). The drug dealers, food holders, soldiers and slave traffickers who happily own practically all the toons left. They don’t fit into any of these niches. They aren’t thriving. They’re just managing. Coping.

Coping. Yakko likes that word. He sometimes repeats it to himself out loud. It’s so perfect. He’s coping. Wakko’s coping. Plucky’s coping.

He does not, however, like to wonder if all of the people he’s lost touch with are coping. There are, in fact, a few select people whose names he won’t even allow to come to the front of his mind.

But denial, he supposes, is part of the process. He’s too busy coping to grieve.

X

Dot hates dumpsters. She really does.

Fifi is a strong young woman. Fifi has been adapting and learning how to survive fast enough to make Dot’s head spin. But her almost pleased disposition at concluding they’d found a dumpster to sleep in for the night is too much, even for Dot. And Dot likes to think she’s been through a lot.

“Do you want to sleep tonight or not?”

Dot’s lip curls. Will she even get to sleep in that mess? “Yes. That’s why I’m not going in there. I’ll just be vomiting all night.”

“Z’ere’s nothing in your stomach to vomit.”

“I’ll be upchucking my internal organs all night, then.”

Fifi glances around and places a hand on her stomach. “We don’t have all day. Don’t be such a baby.”

“Why can’t we go back to the warehouse?”

Fifi’s face snaps into a frown. “You can, if you want. I myself am a bit tired of waking up choking on gas.”

“The gassing was just a rumor.”

“People always say that. Z’ey aren’t always right.” Fifi lifts up the lid. Dot is already choking on the fumes.

“I thought pregnant ladies were supposed to be sensitive to smells.”

“Humans were strange creatures, Dot. Just because something was true for them doesn’t make it true for us. Thankfully.”

Dot doesn’t reply, so Fifi gives her a tired smile hoists herself up.

Dot likes being strong. She likes being cool and collected and being the one with the best survival instincts. At the moment, especially to Fifi, she must seem like that annoying chick who whines about her nail getting chipped while everyone she knows is dieing around her.

With this in mind, she holds back a grimace and climbs in after Fifi.


It's VERY short. The first chapter itself will probably have a lot more (more scenes, not be more fleshed out).

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 Post subject: Re: Sunflower
PostPosted: Sunday, March 06th, 2011 - 21:45:26 
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Wikitiki wrote:
Okay, second try posting this. This is not complete or even polished, in my opinion. Just thought I'd share what I'd done so far, though. There's an equal amount of TTA and A! characters, but I put it here because this is probably going to end up on the Animaniacs section of ff.net.

I'm mainly concerned with characterization and clarity. And Fifi's accent. Too much, too little? I generally don't like typing out accents (I never do Scratchansniff's, for example), so I'm not very well-versed, but I though it might be a little necessary. Is it?


I think it's probably best not to let yourself get bogged down in accents. The reader can add the accent for the characters in their own head most of the time. If the accent is so thick that it makes the story hard to read, then a lot of people just give up on it. It's probably safe to add an accent to a few common words that the character says often, but leave everything else alone. I think what you did for Fifi was fine in this case.

It's an interesting start. It sounds like something's gone quite wrong with the world, and I'm curious what. It sounds like it also might need some kind of mature warning when it's all finished because of the themes involved, such as death and pregnancy.

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 Post subject: Re: Sunflower
PostPosted: Saturday, March 12th, 2011 - 18:53:51 
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Framwinkle wrote:
I think what you did for Fifi was fine in this case.

It's an interesting start. It sounds like something's gone quite wrong with the world, and I'm curious what. It sounds like it also might need some kind of mature warning when it's all finished because of the themes involved, such as death and pregnancy.


Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And, yes, it will need some sort of warning. I'm hoping to keep it from being too "mature" (unpleasant descriptions at a minimum, a lot of things only suggested), but we'll see.

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 Post subject: Re: Sunflower
PostPosted: Saturday, March 19th, 2011 - 18:53:23 
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I want to read more! I think it's really clear, in just that short amount of time I can tell that it's a post apocalyptic thing and they're all trying to survive. Fifi's accent doesn't bug me, but I will say that whenever she's in a story, her accent is kind of implied. Otherwise it's hard to give you more feedback until there is more to read. More! More!


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 Post subject: Re: Sunflower
PostPosted: Saturday, March 19th, 2011 - 19:10:45 
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scratchy wrote:
Fifi's accent doesn't bug me, but I will say that whenever she's in a story, her accent is kind of implied. Otherwise it's hard to give you more feedback until there is more to read. More! More!

Luckily, I had just written the accent in that section to try it out, and everything else I've written so far doesn't have it. It sort of annoys me to write it and adds an unnecessary burden of chosing when and when not to change a word to fit how she would pronounce it. So it's gone. 8D

Here, have another:

Spoiler:
“Plucky! Open the door!”

Wakko and Plucky both hold their breaths, a ritual that has now become second nature.

“What are you waiting for? I’m gonna get shot out here.”

Wakko know the voice better then his own. But it still makes him tense. Plucky is the one that steps forward, as always. Wakko never even goes near the door.

“You’re clean, right? And you brought food?”

“I wouldn’t have bothered to come back. Listen, I can find my own hole and you can find your own food if you still don’t trust me.”

“Hey, I trust you!” But he doesn’t open the door. He waits. He looks like he’s thinking hard about something. “We both trust you.”

“That’s nice. Can you just open the door?”

“No one’s with you, right?”

“Oh my- You know what? Starve. I’m leaving.”

Plucky yanks the door open then. Yakko stands before them, his gas mask hanging from his belt by its strap, a few pieces of trash bag stuck to it. Wakko gags, and is surprised Plucky doesn’t follow suit. Yakko reeks of acid.

“You went outside?”

As Yakko walks in, Plucky steps back. Yakko smirks a little as he bolts door.

“Just for a second. I had to go for a little run between tunnels. The soldiers that I’ve - we‘ve, I guess - been stealing from moved out of this building. We should, too. I asked around, and I found their new place. I‘m thinking they‘ve mapped the tunnels somehow, because it was right after the main system cuts off.”

He reaches into his pockets and pulls out two cans, throwing them toward Wakko. Wakko very visibly fights the urge to pounce forward and break one open. He can’t remember the last time he’s eaten. But, of course, neither can Yakko or Plucky.

But Plucky looks disgusted. “That’s all?”

“I had a lot more, but it didn’t survive the rain. Which is why we need to leave now. Those won’t last a day, and I’m not risking my life every ten minutes while you two sit around here all day doing nothing.”

Plucky ignores everything. Selective hearing. “Where’d you get the plastic, and where is it now?”

“Took it off some idiot sleeping near the end of the tunnel. I gave it back to him.”

“I can’t believe you. You just throw something so valuable back and-”

“It got pretty ruined in the rain. It’s getting worse.”

For the first time, Wakko speaks. “Worse? How could it have gotten worse?”

“It’s corroding human things too now. Not just ink.”

Plucky’s head whips up toward the ceiling so fast it makes Wakko dizzy. “Does that mean-”

“I think so. The new building has some weird metallic stuff covering it. I guess they made it to resist the rain. For now. So we should leave.”

“I can’t breathe,” Wakko says. And he can’t. He feels like he’s going to throw up, too, but he doesn’t share that information. The fact that Yakko smells like the outside doesn’t help much.

“You might want to eat first. The air makes you throw up if you‘re not used to it, and it’s not fun sitting there dry heaving for ten minutes.”

“We’re gonna die.”

Yakko finally looks at Wakko. “No. We’re on one of the lower levels of this building. The people on the top level are hardly even in danger yet. It could take a week for it to eat through just the roof. But we do need to get out of here.”

But Wakko can’t talk anymore. His knees give and he’s staring at the wall.

“I think he’s afraid to go outside,” Plucky says. He doesn’t sound too keen on the idea himself. “Yakko, it’s,” he huffs. “How do you do it? It’s terrifying.”

“I think of you two idiots and how I don’t want either of you to die. Maybe you could just do me a favor and try to help yourselves for once.”

“Maybe we could do you a favor and kill ourselves.”

Yakko spins around and smacks Wakko so fast, he doesn’t even know what to do after he grabs Wakko’s shoulders and pulls him close to him. But the words come. They always come.

“I already lost Dot. I’m not losing you.” He lets him go. Wakko, much to Yakko’s relief, doesn’t look hurt or scared. He just looks ashamed of himself. “Don’t ever say anything like that to me ever again.”

Plucky sighs, choosing to ignore the brothers. “So you think we should leave tonight?”

“Tomorrow morning, if it stops raining. The dark won’t give us any kind of advantage.”

“Whatever you say. We’re going to have to leave our stuff, aren’t we?”

“Even if it nothing gets ruined or stolen, it’ll just weight us down. Leave them for some other bozo.”

Wakko sits there and listens to them, feeling useless. Dead weight. If Yakko wasn’t his brother, they would have ditched him by now. A long, long time ago. He would have been one of the first to die when the rain came if Yakko hadn’t been there. He strong and smart and knows who to trust. Wakko’s clumsy and has some brawn, sure, but that doesn’t stop acid from eating through your ink. He’s paranoid of the wrong people and makes friends with cons and crooks.

But he was the one who noticed when they gassed out the tunnels back when everyone lived down there. He smelled it. He heard them. He warned them. There were probably only ten survivors out of the hundreds of toons who had lived down there, and three of them were Yakko, Wakko, and Plucky.

What kills him is that he has no idea if there was one more. If Dot should be included in the count. It kills him that Yakko assumes she’s dead, and it makes him feel crazy for even hoping.

But then there’s Fifi. Yakko never even mentions her. But she was there. She was with Dot. It makes Wakko queasy, thinking about it. Thinking about the swelling in her stomach and her smile and the way she said, “I don’t know how to tell him.” The way she kept touching her stomach and the glances she shot Wakko and Dot when Yakko didn’t even notice.

It all makes him queasy.

He’ll never be able to even say Fifi’s name out loud again, not while Yakko’s still alive.

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 Post subject: Re: Sunflower
PostPosted: Sunday, March 27th, 2011 - 20:33:43 
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Alrighty, so I think I'm going to post the first chapter on ff.net soon. It's basically what I've posted (with that second scene I posted directly following the first Yakko/Wakko/Plucky scene, then the Dot/Fifi scene at the end, to cut down on transitions). Any last words?

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