Make Mink Music
The camera roves through a beautiful forest. The sun shines serenely through the leaves on the trees and the harmonious warbling of birdsong is accompanied by a female voice as pure as ambrosia as it sings an arrogant, self-praising song. We cut to a house built into a huge felled tree and zooms in on the door.
Minerva: (Sings) It's not pretty bein' me, just try it and you'll see...
We fade to the interior of the house. Minerva Mink is combing her hair and admiring herself in her bedroom mirror.
Minerva: (Sings) It's harder than ya think, to be a gorgeous mink! La-da-da-da-da-da-de, it's not pretty bein' me!
She puts down her comb and blows a kiss at her reflection. Her reflection catches it and winks at her. She gets to her feet and reclines on her huge heart-shaped bed.
Minerva: (Speaking, to the camera) Bet ya wish you could sing as good as me. Well, ya probably can't. Nobody can sing as good as me, and NOBODY is more gorgeous than me! (Sighs) With my looks and voice, I could've made it big as a singer. (Musing) I wonder if there are any songs that I could sing along to this morning...
She reaches out to turn on her bedside radio. Instead of a tune, we hear a commercial. A Male Voice speaks in a dull, uninterested tone. Minerva cringes as she hears it.
Male Voice: (Mechanically) Hello. Are you a musician? If you are, you're in luck. I'm going all over the country in search of some new musicians to join my orchestra. If you can play an instrument, then don't be afraid to audition. I'm sure what you have to offer will make me quaver... (Laughs dispassionately) That's music humour.
Minerva turns the radio off in disgust.
Minerva: (Snorts) Why would I wanna be a band geek? Who wants ta take orders from some dork waving a stick, anyway? Not me! (Dreamily) I wanna be a real musician. Being famous, hanging out with super-hot boy bands...who are RICH! (Sighs) That's what it's all about...
We fade to a forest glade, where Newt the Dachshund is reading a book titled "Never Cry Mink". He leafs through the pages in frustration, trying to find a trick that he hasn't done before to capture Minerva for his master.
Newt: (Grumbles) There must be something I haven't tried yet!
After a beat, it appears that he has found something, as he stops going through the pages and a smile adorns his face. The camera cuts to the page he is looking at. On the page, there is a woodblock drawing of a man wearing tights. He is skipping along, playing a flute, while some stunned minks trot after him.
Newt: (Cheerfully) What's this? (Reading) "According to Pi. R. Squared, the Greatest Mink Catcher who ever lived, minks have an inherent love for music. Once they hear a tune, they will go into a trance, and they will be led blindly into a trap..."
He slams the book shut with a menacing smirk. He knows what he's going to do today to catch Minerva.
Newt: (Deviously, to the camera) That mink has quite an affinity for music. I've often heard her singing her praises... (Muses) The problem is, what sort of music does she like? She is rather picky... (Deciding) I'll just have to use a variety of instruments. She'll like at least one of them...
He takes out a phone book and scans it. The camera cuts to one of the Yellow Pages and zooms in on a phone number which reads: "The Giovanni Jones Music Emporium: 25061949". Newt cheerfully takes out a cell phone and dials the number. We briefly hear a faint ringtone: a tinny version of Largo al Factotum, before the call is answered.
Newt: (Cheerfully) I'd like to buy every instrument in your shop, please. I want to catch a mink!